Worst Work Day

I am sure that this is a first-world problem, or a problem of the working woman when so many others are looking for work, but here goes...

Yesterday, I had all of my supervisors in the office at once. Not a big deal; they are a generally friendly crowd. I don't even mind that their presence generally increases my workload. After all, they are paying me to actually work, not just sit and be pretty and watch Netflix and Hulu Plus all day (which I do while working for background noise).

They show up and I get another big project. Not a big deal; I just took a deep breath, turned around and put it on my to-do list. Then, one of my supervisors says, "You don't have to do it. Get a volunteer to do that for you."

Ummmmmmmmmmmm.................

Let's start with the fact that I am in a camp full of adults busy with their own projects and campers- and that we are, for all intents and purposes, in the middle of nowhere. Just where in the hell am I supposed to get a volunteer? Am I supposed to perform magic, pull them out of my ass or the sky... where am I expected to find these wonderful volunteers who are going to do my job for me?

Which brings me to my second gripe about this. I am an administrative director. It is my job to...I don't know....worry about who gets access to all of these wonderful health forms that I am now re-organizing. So, to tell me to get a volunteer from out of the blue clear sky implies to me that you do not trust me to do the job that you are PAYING me to do. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, or maybe I'm just a workaholic, but I like doing what I'm being paid to do.

Immediately after all of this is lunch. The other supervisor is upset because I'm suddenly not hungry (cause upset) and won't eat lunch with the big group. In case y'all have forgotten, I'm a grown ass woman. If I decide I'm not hungry and that I want to work through my lunch break, get over it. Move on.

There is no really overriding point to this post. I just felt like writing and letting off some steam. 

Who Am I?

This week, I faced another interesting Communications assignment. Frequently, when doing coursework, we are asked to introduce ourselves in various ways- cross-culturally, through graphic design, in a journalistic piece, in public relations, etc. 

So, I did my homework and did it excellently, as is my M.O. A few hours later, I found myself singing the songs of Easter Sunday 2014: namely, this

And a hymn we sang at my church before Holy Communion that Sunday:

"Jesus lives again, Earth can breathe again, pass the word around, loaves abound!"

And in singing these songs again, and thinking about how God continues to write my life story in the midst of struggle, I began to have this thought:

My name is Krystle, and I am a woman of Easter. 

When I was a kid, people called me stupid- but I rose above it. 

I was abused in every way imaginable at home, but I kept going anyway. 

The church world told me that I was not spiritually mature enough to be one of them, but I kept going. 

Someone told me I was too lazy to ever survive in the real world, but I'm working hard today. 

People I love walked out on me, but I just learn to love harder. 

People said I was selfish, but I just keep giving anyway. 

No matter what life throws at me, with God's help I smile and persevere anyway. 

My name is Krystle, and I am a woman of Easter. 

My Natural Hair Journey

Let me start by saying this: I have not seen Chris Rock's Documentary "Good Hair"- but I really, really want to. So, if you want to loan it to me or buy it for me as a gift, be my guest!

All of my life, my hair has been a struggle to deal with. From the time I was maybe 5 or 6, my mom made sure to chemically relax it every 8 weeks. When she didn't relax it, it was too difficult to deal with, which led to some things like being burned (intentionally) with a flat iron and a few instances of having my head rammed into a wall. (I'm not mad, she was just frustrated). 

I also had a lot of hair extensions in my growing up years. I have had braids, human hair....all of which needed to be treated by hot oils, braid sprays, etc. When a weave went bad when I was about 11 or 12, some idiot cousin decided to chop ALL my damn hair off!!! As soon as I was old enough to make my own decisions, I stopped wearing any kind of hair extensions. There is the animal cruelty element and the fact that all that crap is WAY too difficult to keep up with. 

About a year ago, I stopped chemically relaxing my hair. That's right, I got away from the creamy crack (slang for chemical relaxer). I have also been gradually chopping away my relaxed hair and keeping it in cornrows as it grows and takes on it's natural, kinky form.

And you know what? I have never been happier. 

I love my hair now. It's soft and fluffy. I can do more with it in its natural state. I can rock an afro one day and braids the next and a two strand twist the day after that. I can go swimming without worrying about permanent damage because of the clash of the chemicals. I don't have to spend money I don't have sitting in a stylist's chair every few weeks. I can stay away from wigs and weaves because I am happy with my hair in its natural state. 

And, there is more to it than what I can do with my hair. 

Since going natural, and rocking my own fro (which can be seen in my Facebook profile picture), I have felt a self esteem boost that I wouldn't give away for the world. I am happier with my looks. I don't worry so much about whether or not my hair is pleasing to people around me- I am more focused on how I want my own hair to look. Since wearing my hair natural, I am discovering more and more that I love how God made me- and that I am more willing to share myself with other people. 

Plus, a lot of the chemicals in relaxers are super toxic. I don't want to give myself cancer or anything equally deadly just because I want to have "good hair." I don't want to burn my hair out with a flat iron every week (I'm considering giving that thing away!) I don't want to do anything to make my nice, fluffy, kinky mop on the top of my head go away.

So, to my friends and family who still do the relaxers and weaves, I would recommend going natural. It's certainly working out well for me (actually, my hair is growing at a faster rate now than when I was using relaxer). But, if that's not your choice, know that God made you beautiful no matter how you choose to rock your hair. 

One of the Most Important Days: Becoming a Mom

April 21, 2008.

After a very difficult 13 days (which we can relive in another blog), I was in California after fleeing Utah (thanks to the help of family and friends). I was approximately 8 months pregnant and set to for a due date of May 21st.

But, just like my birth daughter Sierra, my birth son Luke had his own perfect timing.

At 3:00(ish) that Monday morning, I woke up to water everywhere. Having experienced my bags of water breaking before, I knew this was showtime. So, I knocked on my mom and stepdad's door and told them it was time to go to the hospital. (Many thanks to my sister, who cleaned up all the water after I left. Unfortunately, we had a tile floor at the time, so she did not have a fun job).

We checked into St. Bernardine's hospital, got me all signed in, hooked up to an epidural, did an ultrasound to make sure I was really in labor....all this time,  I had experienced not ONE contraction. (Yes, Luke's birth was relatively pain-free, thanks to modern medicine.)

The doctor, somewhere between 8 and 9 am, decided to give me Pitocin to speed up the birthing process. My mom went home to get me an Eric Jerome Dickey novel to read. At 10am, she called to check in. I told her to come back. The nurses saw a little head starting to make its way out on his own (I'm still not pushing at this point.)

At 10:30am, my doctor (Betty Daniels, the best OB/GYN there is, FYI) walks in to check me. She said there was a barrier to her fingers- and when she looked, she said, "Oh, there's a head here. Ok Krystle, push now." After two pushes, Luke came out.

Luke was born at 10:41am.

For 2 1/2 years, I had the privilege of watching him grow. I fed him when he was hungry, changed his diaper, woke up to comfort him in the middle of the night, threw him birthday parties, read to him, talked to him, took him to church with me...all the normal joyous mom stuff. I even had him baptized June 19, 2008. I had a LOT of help from a loving church community, family, and friends. So much help that if I started naming names, I am sure I would leave someone out.

But, in my heart, I knew that he should be raised alongside his sister. So, December 8, 2010, I chose the hard road of adoption. Luke now lives with Sierra and their mom and dad (Jeff and Tammy) in Utah.

I want to be clear about something: I have been criticized by so many for this adoption for a couple of reasons. One is choosing adoption after Luke bonded with me and knew me as Mom for so long. Well, it seems he has adjusted to Tammy as his Mom- and that is good and right, which is something I know in my heart.

Another criticism was choosing a LDS (Mormon) family. Listen to me be very clear: I. Don't. Care. About. The. Religion. They. Practice. They did (and continue to do) what I expected when I chose adoption for them both times: they love Luke and Sierra as a part of their family. I don't care if they are Mormon, Atheist, Baptist, Catholics, Methodists...they love Luke and Sierra. That's what's important.

And in that same love, on his 6th birthday, I wish Luke the happiest of birthdays.

Blessed Are the WHO???

There seems to be a lot of speculation these days about who and what God will bless. Does God bless those with money, without money, those who are gay, straight, bi, trans, hefty, skinny..............

Actually, this post won't be about that- at least, the meat of this won't be about that. Everything I just listed above is a label of some sort. I am concerned that we are so busy labeling ourselves that we forget to take the time to love ourselves.

One concern I've had over the last few years is our cultural obsession with dieting. We all must eat the right foods in order to be the right weight and lose 20 pounds tomorrow in order to fit into that sexy new dress by Christmas time in order to impress our family and friends who thought we would always be fat. Don't get me wrong: being healthy and sexy are great goals- especially since I see FAR too many people wearing things unappealing to my eyes on an everyday basis walking around San Bernardino. (Sometimes, it's bad enough for a mental F-bomb). But, what happened to just being happy with our body types as they are? There is nothing wrong with having a slightly larger waist or smaller boobs. Unless you need to lose weight for health reasons, would you at least consider being happy in your current state before buying into the hype?

Also, can we please get to the place where sexual orientation is not such a huge deal anymore? Whoever you prefer to sleep with, please be at peace with God and yourself. No one else matters in the long run. Really.

Back to how I started this post...
I really believe this is the heart of the Beatitudes Jesus lists in the Sermon on the Mount. It is not so much about the list, but about what's not on the list. You see, Jesus never said any of the following:

Happy are those who...
- have sexy bodies
- can lose weight fast
- have the most fashionable clothes
- declare their sexual orientation to the world
- have natural, relaxed, curly, straight....hair
- have a mansion and five cars (ahem, TBN preachers)
- are reading the latest self-help books
- are listening to the right preachers on television

In fact, being the revolutionary Jesus is, our world is turned upside down when we hear who is really happy and in direct line of God's blessing.

Don't believe me? Read Matthew 5 for yourself.

Social Media Marriage

Ya know......I love all of my friends who are married. I want to see you happy. Really, I do.

Now, on to something that will make some of you angry....

Wait...I also want to say that I love social media. I love keeping up with my friends and family. I love knowing where you are in life's journey. I love knowing that your marriage is doing well. I love knowing that your kids are growing up to be great human beings. I love hearing a limited amount of your political views. I love seeing your funny quiz results and playing games with you. I love hearing how your soul is doing well.

That being said, I believe it's time we had a chat- especially if you use social media to chronically whine about life. If you need a friend, I'm here to listen to you. Honestly. Or, if not me, there are a ton of other people who will listen to you  hurts and sorrows when you need it. What I get concerned about is using social media as your psychologist- then complaining when no one responds to your complaints.

My particular concern this evening is how such complaints affect family life- especially marriage.

Tonight, while scrolling through Facebook, I saw something that I've seen in various forms over the last 5 years of having some form of social media. One of my friends has been complaining about his/her spouse for almost two weeks now- in public status updates. Tonight, I guess they have made up because there is now a picture of the happy couple on a date night- and the spouse is tagged in said picture. I've noticed that the above mentioned spouse was not mentioned in the nasty passive aggressive status updates over the last two weeks.

Folks, seriously....Facebook is not your therapist. Maybe it is prudent to keep your personal marital problems off of social media. Talk privately to a friend, clergy person, psychologist, or whoever.

Seriously and bluntly, everybody on Facebook, Twitter, and wherever else ain't got time to go through your marital drama with you.

Did God Go Silent?

"Prophetic imagination breaks out of the closed system and says, 'That's not God's last word'".- Walter Bruggeman

When I went on a YouTube theology binge yesterday, I admit that this phrase hit home for me. I think this phrase struck me so hard because I entered into an interesting dialogue with my pastors this week about affirmations of faith and why we like some and dislike others. It seems the overriding idea was this: we like the sound of some because they appear to be alive- they use present-tense words like 'making' instead of 'made'. For me, this is quickly becoming a foundation of my personal theology: that God did not stop talking when the Council of Nicea formed the Bible as we know it.

Therefore,  I have some problems with some theology that is floating around in the world right now. In fact, one of the phrases I cringe to hear is, "God said it. I believe it. That settles it." Let's just ignore the fact that is often used in ways that are exclusionary and hurtful (which should be red flag #1 that something is not right in how that phrase is used; because, in my admittedly limited understanding of God, I do not think that God is in the business of intentionally hurting people just because they do not believe the "right" way). But, like I said, we are ignoring this for now.

Why I have a problem with that phrase is this: let's say that God really did say whatever you believe God said. How do we know that God has given the final world on the matter for all time and eternity? For example, let's look at how Paul says women should be treated in Corinth.There were scholars who, for many years, said that women should be silent in the church. Well, last time I checked, all but a few churches have agreed that this was not "God's" final word on the matter (and I am so very, very thankful).

Actually, in my view of Scripture, I see a God who is constantly evolving with the culture. I see God who is willing to save Sodom and Gomorrah for a few righteous souls at Abraham's request. I see God who gives second chances to King David for all of his nonsensical acts instead of killing him (but the wages of sin is death, right?). I see God move from the God of the law to the God who encourages us to love one another so that we can fulfill the law.

So, if in this thing we call Scripture, God is constantly evolving, why is it that we, as the church, have created this closed system where we will only hear Scripture and then be so bold as to say that God has nothing else to say on the matter? In doing so, we close our ears to further instruction that God may have for us- and, okay, I'll be so bold as to say, that does not sound like a good thing to do.

All that being said, I love Scripture. I love the way the writers have imagined God throughout the generations and presented God to us. I also tend to think I have the prophetic imagination that Bruggeman describes when talking about the prophet Jeremiah: I know that we have yet to hear God's last word.

Never place a period where God has placed a comma. God is still speaking.

Love is the Letter of the Law

So......

I decided to do my weekly post on a Thursday night instead of a Friday morning this week. I've got a midterm and other stuff to do with my Friday morning this week.

Anyway, I've been reflecting a lot on love in all forms this week. Admittedly, romantic love has been my main focus as Sekani and I have been working through some tension about how we relate to the people around us and how that effects how we relate to each other. I sense that we are just about through that- we had some time to talk and just be together without distraction this past Saturday which helped us to more clearly understand the heart of our tension, which made us alright again. That, of course, makes me a happy Krystle.

I will freely admit that a lot of the blame for the tension between us rests squarely on my shoulders. I take the blame because I allowed myself to live in a romantic dream world for too long. What I mean is this: it took me a while to realize that it takes more than just Sekani and Krystle being headstrong to make our relationship work. It takes takes family and friends being fully present in our lives- cheering us on when we are doing well, reminding us to take space when we are irritated with each other, reminding us of why we love each other, giving us new reasons to love as we learn more about each other......long term romance is not just about the two people in a relationship. Long term romance requires community.

So, how I live in the community I have been placed in has been on my mind more and more lately. How do I relate to my closest friends who are like family? How do I relate to my church family (who is also new to me)? How do I relate to Sekani's family and friends?

The answer is in the title of my blog post: love is the letter of the law.

And oh, that sounds easier than it really is.

As I observe the culture, I realize that I have learned love all wrong. I look at people who claim to love me (and who I claim to love) and I seem to always ask a question that I'm learning can be poisonous: What has this relationship done for me lately? When is the last time this person did something for me? When is the last time this person helped me when I needed them? While it is healthy to have balance and boundaries, I think it's time to start asking myself a different question: What have I done for this relationship lately? Have I been there for my friend when she needed me? When is the last time I prayed for this person? When is the last time I showed care just because I wanted to?

This sounds nice, but the point is this: love, at its core, is sacrificial in nature.

I don't know why we have lost this in "Christian" culture today. I don't understand why we feel that as Christians, we must be self-centered- the church must meet MY needs, fit MY beliefs, look, talk, act, and think like ME.....but here's some reality- this is not the heart of Christ's message. Christ came to seek and save that which was lost- not that which was set in their ways and not looking for their beliefs to be challenged in any way. In fact, if I remember correctly, Christ came and intentionally disrupted religious leaders who were comfortable leaving everything as it was.

So, in my personal dealings, I am learning to do the sacrificial thing more. I am learning to put Sekani first (I do hope to marry him one day, after all), but not just by giving him things. I'm learning to love him in the context of family and friends, who love both of us and want to see us succeed as a couple. And for me, who has always been the independent type, this is indeed a sacrifice and a time of learning.

I'm learning that in loving others, I do not have to lose my own identity. I do not sign away my rights to be Krystle. In loving others, I take on the task of giving of myself- which enriches me and the world around me.

In other words, I believe this is known as changing the world one person at a time.
God, let it always be so.

Sacred Longing

So....in this new phase of my life, I'm doing something new. I'm actually paying attention to how words are used. I've been in church so long (actually, almost all my life) that I have stopped really hearing what's being said. I think  I'm finally realizing that while there is a basic message that I have taken to heart, there is also a deeper message.

And with that, I reflect on something Pastor Sally reflected on at the beginning of her sermon this Sunday: sacred longing. She spoke about what sacred longing is and why it is good to be aware of it. I walked away from her message wondering something: what, exactly, is MY sacred longing?

For me, at this point, this is actually a critical question. Yes, there is a laundry list of things I want to do, but what am I really hungry for? When I thought on this through the week, I found it was almost too easy to simply say: "I want a life that displays my love for God through the way I love others". But, this was the only answer that came to mind.

So, Wednesday rolled around and I finally stopped fighting this answer. I've spent the last two days challenging what I thought was an easy answer. It didn't take long to find out that loving others is not always easy. Quite often, in order to love others, I have to put my own wants away for a while. For example, I've been wanting to spend time playing my Xbox in my spare time this week. Meanwhile, my darling has asked me for a new pair of slippers- the pair I made him in October fell apart because he wears them so much. So, instead of zoning out on the machine, I picked up my cross (I mean, my crochet needle...oops....) and made that man some warm slippers. (I may have made myself a matching pair, but we won't talk about that). I found myself at peace doing something for someone else- and this is not the first time.

While I crocheted, I reflected. I realized that I am at my happiest when I give myself to others- in making slippers, in decorating tables for a community  meal, in giving Christmas gifts, in giving a kidney, in placing children for adoption, in smiling at a stranger, in buying coffee for the guy behind me at Starbucks........in these things, I am deeply happy. When I serve others, I am feeding my sacred longing.

What's yours?

What is holy food?

This past Sunday, I was sitting in the pews with my sweetheart at our new church. Like a true Wesley admirer, I am always happy for Holy Communion, which we celebrated this week. Being new to the United Church of Christ world, I've been listening very closely to the Communion liturgy.

This week, something jumped out at me.

One of our pastors prayed something like this: "As we consume holy food, let us become aware of  Christ's presence in the ordinary things of life"...(I know I have completely botched this).

I have actually been poring over the phrase "holy food" all week. Seems silly, right? But really, what is the point of  consuming this mysterious meal if we don't spend at least a few minutes pondering what we've experienced?

So.....beyond the Communion table, what is holy food? Could it be that it's more than just physical bread and juice? Could it be that it is more than any physical food? Could it be that which feeds our spirits and enables us to be servants to the world around us?

If so, I end this week of reflection on holy food with this conclusion:
Holy food is allowing myself to be nourished and loved by my sweetheart.
Holy food is taking time to rest when I am overworked and driving myself crazy.
Holy food is taking time to be thankful to God - everyday and in every circumstance.
Holy food is taking time to read the Scriptures.
Holy food is engaging in loving community- either my faith community or my neighborhood.
And yes, holy food is the Communion table, where I am reminded in new ways of God's grace.

Come now, for all things are ready.
Amen.